I haven't written in a while because I feel like all I talk about is cancer, and really . . . who wants to talk about that? Yuck! But that's all my life has been about lately, and I figure, you all need an update, and it's about time I put one up. So . . . here we go.
My blog's theme is this:
If the world says you can't, faith says you can!
Well, I applied this to finding the castle of my dreams, so why can't I apply this to what's happening right now? I mean, I told EVERYONE I knew, I was going to see this castle. You know, the castle that's all over my blog. I had no idea where this castle was or what it was called. My lack of knowledge didn't matter. I was determined, and I was going to see this castle
. . . and I DID!
So, why can't I have the same kind of faith and say, I'm going to be completely healed of both cancer and MS and be stronger after this transplant than I've ever been? Why can't I say that with as much determination and confidence?
I think part of my problem is . . . God.
You see, He has a will in this. The question is: What is His will? Surely He wants me healed and to stay here for my children. Right? At the same time, He may need to give us what we "need" and not what we "want." Personally, I don't think I "need" to be broken. I need to be whole and healed so I can be the best mother I can be for my kids! At least, that's what I think. That's MY WILL. But why, oh why, does my heart become heavy when I feel like fighting for my will?
I feel like it's one thing to say I'm gonna see a castle and another to say I'm gonna be healed. What's different about these two things? I remember I didn't feel like I had anything to lose when I wanted to see that castle. If it didn't happen, it wasn't the end of the world. In this case, I have everything to lose if it doesn't happen. You'd think that'd make me have more faith, more determination! What's my stinkin' problem? UGH!
Then I figured it out. How I can say the words with the same confidence.
LORD WILLING, I am going to be completely HEALED of both cancer and MS and be stronger after this transplant than I've ever been.
Hmm. I'm not feeling it. The confidence, I mean.
I think that's because I knew a mother who left a five-year-old girl behind when she died of cancer, and she had confidence that she was going to be healed.
I don't think I like leaving this in God's hands. Whew. That's bad. That's really bad. But it's true. (I'm sorry, God!) But if I'm honest, I believe that's my problem, as much as I hate to admit it. My fear is God either wants to take me from here or He wants me to be broken . . .
Okay, I have to say, just as I wrote those words "God wants me to be broken," something inside me shouted NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE! GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BE BROKEN.
A brother from church said he believes I'm going to be healed because God's hand has been in this from the beginning. If you recall, my doc "just happens" to be a doc who wrote the paper with another doc on how to cure MS, and I'm undergoing the same treatments they're performing on MS patients to see if this will cure them. Just before this cancer was revealed I asked God to heal me. Well, I'd asked him to heal me a billion times, but this one moment was special. I can't explain in words what made it special, but all I know is my heart was in God's hands (there's more to it than that, but I won't get into it). I asked Him to heal me. And I believed, and still believe, He has the power to do so.
Think of it this way, God says we don't have because we don't ask. Well, I asked, and I'm still asking!
Of course, I was hoping for Him to just snap His fingers and voila, I'd be healed! But instead, I got cancer (oh, and this just happened to occur when I was also asking God for a reprieve from being sick; to put my MS in remission). sigh
Guess I'm A LOT stronger than I thought. Actually, I'm not strong AT ALL. I've only been able to get through this with HIS strength. I'm seeing that more and more. Just the other day I was complaining to my aunt who came with me to the infusion center that I'm the only one in the world who can't lose weight on chemo. (I've been irritated that I've gained at least 15 pounds since all this started.) Well, after saying that with a laugh in my voice, a woman who was a stick reached out to me and said, "I'll take some of that weight." My heart broke, and that's when I realized I needed to thank God for all this extra fat He's given me. Apparently, I'm gonna need it for the transplant. The docs and nurses keep telling me this. Then I was in the bathroom and saw a woman from the cancer infusion center walk in with her little three-year-old daughter (same age as my little Chelsea), and the woman's mother was with her (the grandmother of the three-year-old). All I saw was the woman's face as she went into the stall with her little girl, and I was talking to the grandma about the little girl, asking her age and then telling her I had a little girl the same age. Anyway, as I was walking out, something moved me to say to them, "Everything's gonna be all right." I was nearly out the door when I added, "I know it's a lot easier to hear than to feel." Then the grandmother said, "Yes, but it's still good to hear." When I came out, I told my aunt what I'd said, and she pointed out the fact that the mother of the three-year-old was very pregnant. I didn't SEE THAT! And I started crying, and I'm crying now as I write this because had I known that, I wouldn't have been able to say those words! So . . . now I pray for her nearly everyday. That everything WILL BE ALL RIGHT. Please pray for this precious mom who has this three-year-old girl and a baby on the way as she struggles with cancer. Pray she and her unborn child WINS this battle!
God . . . I am yours. I belong to You. My body is in Your hands, no other. Not the doctors at the hospital, not the nurses, but YOURS. You are my physician, my oncologist, my neurologist, my nurse, my one and only DOCTOR. Work through ALL of the nurses and doctors, please use them as Your tools to heal me. To make me whole and unbroken. To make me stronger than I've ever been before. (And will You please do the same for that pregnant woman with the little three-year-old!) I know this world is temporary and it's really not important to be "unbroken" while we're here. I know we can learn a lot and become stronger from our brokenness. It builds faith and character. Well, I've had enough, to be quite honest. I'm sorry for being such a complainer, Lord. I'm sorry for not "counting it as all joy." I'm just so tired of fighting. Fighting to grow up so I could live my own life, fighting crisis after crisis, and now THIS. Well, I'm done. You're gonna have to fight this for me, and I want You to show me what You've got. Show me Your power, Father. I know I can read all about Your greatness in Your word, but I want to see Your power in THIS . . . AND in that pregnant woman's situation. Please show us Your greatness, Lord. Your HEALING power. In Jesus' Name, Amen
Now, back to my readers.
Here's a boring update. I finish my last radiation this Friday (it's been localized directly on my tumor), and then I get a ten day break. After that, I go into the hospital on May 17th. On the 18, 19 and 20 I'll undergo full body radiation, and then on the following days, I'll get chemo. After all my bone marrow is flattened, they'll give me the donor's bone marrow. (By the way, will you pray for this guy? He has to undergo quite a bit to give me his bone marrow. It's really amazing he's willing to undergo what he's going through.) After that, we wait. We wait for my counts to go back up, then I can be sent home. But the fight isn't over after that. I'll have to go back to the hospital every other day for them to check my blood counts, and I'll be very prone to getting sick (which could be very dangerous). It won't be until around September that this donor's bone marrow will fully kick in, and that's when we'll find out if his white cells are going to attack my body or not (it could attack my skin, gut or liver). I'm praying this man's bone marrow will LIKE my body and not attack it. :-) I'm praying I won't get sick or have any complications, and well . . . I'm praying for A LOT of things.
That's it for now. Here's a song I'd like to share with all of you. It's called BLESSINGS.