Monday, September 19, 2011

“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

That’s what my friend said. I mean, after all, I was supposed to be cured of MS and cancer. Right? That was the plan. That’s why I ended up with this particular doc because he wrote the paper with the doc who uses this method to cure MS. It couldn’t be a coincidence, God must have brought us together. At least, that’s what I thought.

I don’t know a gentle way to put this, but my doc says the biopsy results on my spine show that I have cancer. The same stinkin’ cancer that was supposed to be wiped out. He said this was his worst fear because this type of cancer is “clever.” It knows how to hide and that’s what it did. The doc wiped out my entire immune system and I even have someone else’s cells and blood-type now, but the cancer managed to stick around. The doc is going to consult the entire oncology team tomorrow/Tuesday and decide what to do: chemo (a different brand, which will be outpatient) and/or radiation.


Yes, I’m being sarcastic. sigh

The worst was telling my kids. My POOR KIDS. I won’t even tell you how that went. It’s too painful.

I asked the doc what my chances are, and he wouldn’t give me a percentage. He simply said something along the lines of, sometimes he beats the cancer, and sometimes he doesn’t. Something like that. Anyway . . . .

I’m still trusting in God. I told my kids to do the same. That this life is temporary, and really, Satan just wants our souls, and he’s trying to get to them through me. I told them they’re to remain faithful no matter what happens. If they’re mad at God for allowing this, that’s okay because God can handle our anger (He invented the emotion for crying out loud), just don’t sin. I told them to talk to God about their feelings because He knows and He understands. But don’t blame God. Satan is to blame for this. Just REMAIN FAITHFUL TO GOD period. I told them if I don’t make it through this, I want us to be reunited in Heaven—so they better remain faithful. I guess, I’m saying the same thing to all of you who read this.

I’ll do my BEST to FIGHT this, but I’m tired and I’m angry and I’m sick of fighting. I’m tired of asking for all of you to pray for me. I can imagine you all are probably sick of praying for me too. You’d think God would be sick of hearing from all of us and just give us what we want. Ya know? You’d think He’d push us out the door and kick us off His door step and say, “Fine! I’ll heal her, just leave Me alone! Quit ringing my doorbell!” You’d think we were more annoying than those telephone solicitors. They’re the worst, aren’t they?

Anyway, please keep praying for HEALING. My kids would really appreciate it. As would I and my husband.

When I say I trust in God, know that I mean I trust He knows what’s best for all of us spiritually (well, and physically, of course). He is my God and deserves my (our) praise.

He was, He is, and He always will be!

I praise You my Father, my Lord, my Master, my Daddy. I long to be held by You. To touch You, to breathe in Your Majesty. I LONG for it!

But I humbly ask that You will allow me to stay longer on this earth for my kids. You know how much I hate it here, so I don’t ask to stay for selfish reasons. Unless begging to be able to raise my kids and teach them to love You is selfish?
No matter what happens, I will praise You. (I imagine that’s a good kick in the face to Satan, right?)

Then . . .

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Thank You Jesus for dying on the cross for my sins. Thank You for all You’ve done for me. Thank You. Thank You for my precious children. Please take care of them, guard their souls, teach them to love You (preferably through me, e-hem). Please God? Please? . . . Please . . . .

I love You, Lord. I love You so much. Hold me close and don’t let go.

Keep the faith, everyone. Please keep the faith. Cling to the Lord. He loves you. He loves me. And He loves my kids.


Now why do you delay?
Get up and be baptized,
and wash away your sins,
calling on His name (Acts 22:16).


  1. Sandi, Your faith is beautiful to behold.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this, and your family. Words fail. (((Hugs)))

    I'm not tired of praying for you. I doubt others are. Please pray form my friend Christine who is battling ovarian cancer and it keeps returning. I'm so sick of cancer. I really am.

    Sandi, I condemn your cancer and my friend Christine's to the pit of hell, where it belongs. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

    Luv ya girl. Keep the faith, I know you will. :) :) :)

    Nike Chillemi, Blogger is making me anonymous lately again.

  2. I'm crying with you, Sandi. What you said to your children was almost too beautiful to bear. And of course I'm praying for you too. And I agree with Nike's declaration in Jesus' name.

  3. I'm so sorry for this news.
    I'm not tired of praying for you, I don't tire of praying period.

  4. I will continue to pray for you, your husband and your kids.

  5. Praying for you, Sandi, and for your family. May God hold you all in His hands. I pray He guides your doctor and if it's His will, I pray you will see many more years with your kids.
    God bless you all!

  6. Thank you Sandi for sharing these intimate thoughts and feelings with all of us. You and your family will be in our prayers.

  7. Precious Sandi,
    "Tired of praying for you?" That's IMPOSSIBLE. You have been such a special gift to us--and such an incredible inspiration! We continue to pray for His healing,guidance--and that the "joy of the Lord be your strength"--as we pray for your Hubby and precious "Treasures" too. MEGA HUGS FROM US THREE!!!

  8. Sandi,I share your persistent widow prayers for healing. As I continue to believe in faith for my own big, crazy miracle, a song that really ministers to me is "It Ain't Over" by Maurette Brown Clark. I pray it blesses you, too.

  9. Oh Dear! I guess this means we all have work to do. Prayer warriors unite! We are not tired of petitioning God on your behalf! We will stand with you. Love you dear sister.
    Rebecca H

  10. Beautiful, Sandi, I am praying, praying, praying. For healing (Father, nothing is impossible with you!), but for an acute awareness of His presence that takes your breath away and leaves you drowning in peace. We're all with you.

  11. Sandi, your incredible faith is helping us grow in our own faith. What a testimony! We won't ever stop praying for you: that God wrap His arms around you and give you grace, that your children remain faithful, for your healing, for the success of your book, for the doctors. We love you!

  12. Dear Sweet Sandi, you are so precious it is hard to conceive that you have to go through this again. I will be praying for you and your dear family. I'm asking God for your healing and restoration so that your life will be such a huge testimony to His glory and power. I do pray for His peace and presence to lift your spirits and beauty from ashes. Love to you dear lady, Cecily

  13. No, no, no -- I'm NOT tired of praying for you, Sandi. And I'll continue to pray. God bless you and your family.

    A prisoner of hope,


    He is curing where others fail. Blessings to you.

  15. Praying for you, Sandi. And I'm praying for your family.

  16. Sweet Sandi,

    I know you are so weary. We will continue to press into Jesus on your behalf and are holding your arms up.

    Blessings and hugs,

  17. Tired of praying for you? Never! I will pray for you and your family as long as I have air in my lungs and a straight thought in my head.

    Your faith amazes me! It also strengthens me.
    God will never let go of you, dear friend. He will hold on tight to you and your family, for He loves you dearly!

    Hugs and much love!

  18. Sandi,

    I can't imagine what you're going through, what your family is going through. And no, I'll never tire of praying for you and your kiddos (hubby, too:).

    Though I'd never wish this on anyone, God chose wisely. Your faith is beautiful to behold! You have been such a mirror to God's Word! Your example reminds me of these verses: 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 and 1 Thess 5:16-18, among others.

    I wish I had magic words to make you feel better, instead I'd like to share a song I heard this mornin. It made me think of you. (It's an upbeat song, so if you're not in the mood, you may want to save it for another time:).

    I hope it brings a smile to your face!

    The links:
    (free download)

    Lord, bring a moment of peace, a minute of joy, a precious memory to Sandi this morning. Hug her closer than you normally do. Make her gasp from the strength of it.

  19. Dear, sweet Sandi, I continue to pray daily for your healing. As I found out with my cancer it is entirely in God's hands not the doctors. You are a great inspiration to all of us. God knows how tired you are and He knows the desires of your heart. I pray for peace for you and that you feel His loving arms around you as you fight on.

  20. Last night you were heavy on my heart and I prayed for you and then got up this morning and read your blog. Wow! God is good and the praise you gave Jesus our Lord and Savior is so beautiful! How precious you are Sandi in His sight. I’m reminded of the verses in Psalms 139: 4-18. He hears your cry, He knows you intimately and He promises to be with you. Our lives are like a piece of the puzzle, God sees the whole picture. He knows the plans for your life and He can be fully trusted. You are an amazing woman of God. Love you so much! Your cuz, Tami

  21. Dear Sandi, I will continue to pray for you and for your family. That is no hardship, no trial for me. God is good, no matter what. He's given you the talent and the will to write, and through your struggle, you are blessing and encouraging many. It may seem frugal right now. You've had enough. But God has a plan, and I see Him working through you in this.

    I know it is not much consolation, but your faith through this is inspiring. God is using you. And one day you'll be in Heaven, and all this will pass. The pain and sorrow will be gone. You'll know perfect joy and peace.

    Love you.

  22. I'm so sorry to hear this, Sandi, but I praise God for the strength of your faith. I certainly don't tire of praying for you and your family and will continue to uplift you daily. May He bless you with His constant love and healing touch.

  23. Sitting here weeping dear Sandi. I am so, so sorry. You have been such a beautiful and faithful witness through every step of this painful journey and this one is no different. Your determination to follow God and love Him through this setback is a testament to the strength of the God within you. I'm praying for you, for your hubby, for the kids. And sending much love.

  24. Oh Sandi...crying for you & your family, praising with you, inspired by you. Of course I'm not tired of praying for you. And I'll keep praying. As the oncology dept meets today, may they receive full wisdom and clarity. May you also experience the arms of God enfolding you and your family in a real way during this difficult time. I am so sorry you're going through this. But you are shining His light in a powerful way. Thank you, sister.

  25. Sandi,
    I can only echo what everyone is saying here: NOT tired of praying for you! I thought my dad was a goner due to cancer but he is hanging on as we pursue alternative therapies. I just read a beautiful testimony today about a woman who had tumors on her spine, please read it:
    For my dad, we are doing the Cellect-Budwig Protocol (nutritional treatment plan), which you can read about at (Scroll down for treatments of Stage IV cancers, no matter what stage they say you're in).I am praying for you Sandi, with a heart of love, and I hardly know you. Imagine how God's love must be flowing around you! God is walking you through the valley, but those green pastures are around the bend.
    HUGS and love,

  26. Sandy, we consider it a privilege to pray for you. It's okay to be upset and to ask why and to cry. You are loved by many people including your writing family. Be encouraged this day in Jesus Christ September 20, 2011. We embrace you and lift you to the Father in the Love of Jesus Christ. Be strong sweet one, you are ministering to many people for the Lord's glory.

    Love, Jim and Paulette Harris.

  27. I'm so sorry, Sandi. But I will continue to pray for you. I love your honesty and your spirit and your fire! Stay strong in the Lord. We can't do much in our own strength, but God gives us the strength, supernatural strength.

    Love and lots of hugs,

  28. I will continue to pray until you post the news of your healing. I know you're tired but we will never cease to pray for you & family.

  29. Sandi, your continued faith in the face of this ongoing trial is such an inspiration.

    If you get a chance, you might want to take a look at our pastor's blog. He has been battling a cyst (noncancerous)on the brain for the past ten years and voices many of the same feelings you are voicing here.

    I have never met you in person, but I'm praying for you, sweet sister in Christ.

  30. Sandi,

    Too tired to pray? You provide the means God has for calling us all together to pray. What more could He love than Christians banded together holding up the arms of one of His most precious ones?

    I can certainly sympathize, based on the fear and tiredness, cancer TRIES to suck the life out of you. But cancer isn't the power in your life, so don't let Satan use the fatigue to give up on the True Power of Jesus Christ.

    Nobody is minimizing this Sandi. We all understand the seriousness of yet another battle. So you rest when you are weary, you love your kids and your family everyday for the pleasure and joy of it. And you let God know how you feel everyday. Like you told your kids, if you're angry let Him know.

    You are being prayed for in so many arenas, that you don't ever need to doubt our joy in handling that for you. Continue your praise of Him...Satan hates that.

    You are so loved.

    Eyes Up,
    Mary Moore

  31. Sandi, We will never tire of praying for you. Keep fighting for your children's sake. We will pray for healing in agreement. One can send 1,000 to flight, two can send 10,000, etc. We are holding you up in prayer!

  32. Dear Sandi,
    I have just been through a bout with breast cancer - a very aggressive & entrenched variety. My heart goes out to you! You are so right to fight for your children and to look for opportunities to tread down Satan!
    It helped me to look for opportunities to serve and glorify God that were unique to having cancer. It also helped to laugh as much as possible - no really!
    I am praying for you to dance on that Serpent's head with the One who crushed it.

  33. Sandi, your faith is such an inspiration. I don't really have words to say here.. except that I'm praying for you and your family and asking God to heal you and glorify His name through you.
    Satan is steamed right now that he can't get you to turn away from God. You are one incredible woman of faith! Keep fighting.

  34. Goin' to keep praying for you.
    You're stuck with all out prayers.
    Love and blessings on you and yours,
    A J Hawke

  35. My heart aches with you. Your terrible news can still accomplish His will for your life(& will, for I have faith in you!). Prayers for His strength & comfort for you and yours as you all face this ugly new challenge together.


  36. I agree, your faith is a GREAT inspiration!
    It's very convicting to me.
    Sandi I'm not sick of praying for you! :) I'm sure none of us are!
    ~Rebekah xD

  37. Absolutely still praying for you every day, as are the sisters in my order.

  38. Sandi; What a wonderful outpouring of love and support in prayers for you and your family- We at Hartline are praying for you and lifting those weary arms as the battle wages, praying you will be victorious.

  39. I am new to your blog. I will keep you and your family in prayer. God can do and heal all things!