This last year I’ve been battling cancer. It’s been a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs, with trusting in God and doubting Him, with wanting to give up and wanting to fight. I’ve been an emotional mess.
After going through a stem cell transplant in May of 2011, then finding out in September that the cancer came back, and then going through radiation, I finally gave up.
Here’s what I mean. I had to give up two things: my children and my fight.
I have an idea of how Abraham and Hannah must have felt when they had to give up their children.
You see, my motivation to survive has been my children. Seeing their faces and knowing how much they need me made me fight that much harder. I wouldn’t let them go. But I finally had to realize that ultimately they’re not my children. They belong to God. Of course, I’ve always known that, but this time, I had to trust in that, trust in God to take care of them for me if it was His will for me to go home. So, mentally I had to literally hand each one of my children over to Him. I watched them in my mind, floating up to God and out of my hands and into God’s hands. That wasn’t easy, but once I did that, I knew they’d be fine because God would take care of them for me. After all, He loves them even more than I do!
Shortly after that (and radiation), I was exhausted and decided I was DONE. Done fighting, and just done. That’s when I prayed and told God I was finished fighting, and if He wanted me to survive on this earth, He was gonna have to do the fighting for me. When I let go of my fight against cancer, I can’t tell you how much relief I felt. The anxiety left. The fear diminished.
Everything was all in God’s hands, and what better hands could my children and my life be in?
I can’t say the fear was completely gone because I didn’t know what God wanted. Did He want to take me home, or did He want me to stay here longer? And if He wanted to take me home, would it be a slow and painful journey? So, I still had fear about those things.
Well, not long after that, I got a PET scan, which I scheduled to happen after Christmas (I didn’t want to ruin our Christmas with bad news; with all the pain I had in my back, we were sure it was covered in cancer).
I did the PET scan and two days later went in for the results. My sister came with me and my husband, and as we were in the waiting room, she shook out her hands and said her palms were sweating. She didn’t want to be there. Ha! I said, neither did I!
Anyway, I was finally called into the doctor’s office, and when the doc came in, she said they couldn’t find cancer anywhere in my body. The three of us just sat there in stunned disbelief. Before I could ask, she said the pain in my back was from a fractured rib due to the cancer and then the radiation. Then she pronounced me in remission!
Needless to say, we asked a lot of questions and left in shock. LOL I still have plans to go back to see my naturopathic doctor in AZ just to give this cancer one last major blast. Now we’re simply praying that it doesn’t come back.
So, that’s the most difficult thing I’ve had to face and overcome. Not necessarily overcoming “cancer,” but learning to let go and let God. And may God be praised no matter what happens in this life.