Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Giving Up

Someone recently asked me to share the most difficult thing in my life I had to overcome, with God’s help. I thought I'd share my answer. 

This last year I’ve been battling cancer. It’s been a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs, with trusting in God and doubting Him, with wanting to give up and wanting to fight. I’ve been an emotional mess.

After going through a stem cell transplant in May of 2011, then finding out in September that the cancer came back, and then going through radiation, I finally gave up.

Here’s what I mean. I had to give up two things: my children and my fight.

I have an idea of how Abraham and Hannah must have felt when they had to give up their children.

You see, my motivation to survive has been my children. Seeing their faces and knowing how much they need me made me fight that much harder. I wouldn’t let them go. But I finally had to realize that ultimately they’re not my children. They belong to God. Of course, I’ve always known that, but this time, I had to trust in that, trust in God to take care of them for me if it was His will for me to go home. So, mentally I had to literally hand each one of my children over to Him. I watched them in my mind, floating up to God and out of my hands and into God’s hands. That wasn’t easy, but once I did that, I knew they’d be fine because God would take care of them for me. After all, He loves them even more than I do!

Shortly after that (and radiation), I was exhausted and decided I was DONE. Done fighting, and just done. That’s when I prayed and told God I was finished fighting, and if He wanted me to survive on this earth, He was gonna have to do the fighting for me. When I let go of my fight against cancer, I can’t tell you how much relief I felt. The anxiety left. The fear diminished.

Everything was all in God’s hands, and what better hands could my children and my life be in?

I can’t say the fear was completely gone because I didn’t know what God wanted. Did He want to take me home, or did He want me to stay here longer? And if He wanted to take me home, would it be a slow and painful journey? So, I still had fear about those things.

Well, not long after that, I got a PET scan, which I scheduled to happen after Christmas (I didn’t want to ruin our Christmas with bad news; with all the pain I had in my back, we were sure it was covered in cancer).

I did the PET scan and two days later went in for the results. My sister came with me and my husband, and as we were in the waiting room, she shook out her hands and said her palms were sweating. She didn’t want to be there. Ha! I said, neither did I!

Anyway, I was finally called into the doctor’s office, and when the doc came in, she said they couldn’t find cancer anywhere in my body. The three of us just sat there in stunned disbelief. Before I could ask, she said the pain in my back was from a fractured rib due to the cancer and then the radiation. Then she pronounced me in remission!

Needless to say, we asked a lot of questions and left in shock. LOL I still have plans to go back to see my naturopathic doctor in AZ just to give this cancer one last major blast. Now we’re simply praying that it doesn’t come back.

So, that’s the most difficult thing I’ve had to face and overcome. Not necessarily overcoming “cancer,” but learning to let go and let God. And may God be praised  no matter what happens in this life.


  1. Why am I surprised? We serve a miraculous God. So very happy for you, Sandi! And for all who love you! All I can think of is Psalms 149 and 150, praise Him with music and dance!

  2. Such great news to receive! Praying for your continued healing and I'm so happy for you and your family. Thank you God!
    My son Caleb was diagnosed with ADD and the Dr wanted to put him on meds to help him focus but he needed to have his heart tested first to make sure he could take this certain med. He had two EKGs done both irregular and the Drs are thinking it's Wolf Parkinson's White ( my dad had this same disease). So now the Drs want to do an Esophagel Pacing study to determine how severe it was. They'd have to put him under for this procedure and would only take 15 min. I was scared. I prayed a lot and after the test the results were nothing! We weren't sure how to react at first. From having something wrong to nothing takes a few minutes to take it all in. Family and friends praying really helps.

  3. I love you and I LOVE God!

  4. This gave me chills... in a good way! God is incredible. He just wants us.. our all, our love, our lives.. but He gives so much back in return! I'm so happy for you, Sandi!!

  5. I feel like giving up myself. But never mind my story, may I ask what was your treatment? Did you get cured using alternative methods only? What where the methods and what brought the most results? Apologies for being so straight forward, but I need any insight I can get as I've not got much time.
    Many Thanks,

  6. Thank you everyone for coming by and commenting, and especially for PRAYING. Rob, I emailed you. I hope you got it.

  7. Jennifer, I'm so happy to hear the news about your son. I can totally understand the shock at getting good news. It's almost hard to believe. lol

  8. Thank you for sharing that, Sandi. It blesses me more than you know.

  9. Sandi, Your courage and faith are an inspiration. What better way to share how to live the way God wants us all to live, trustingly. Blessings, Cass

  10. Sandi, you are so inspiring! I remember my friend Jennifer and I have a similar conversation about her releasing her girls into God's hands. I'm so thrilled to hear this good news. God bless you, and may He continue to bless you in so so many ways!

  11. Sandi, what a fabulous testimony. I would love to use it, or for you to write something for me, for my site to encourage and inspire those in the cancer valley. If you're interested, take a look at the site ( especially see the testimony section for details.
    You can obviously give me a bio and links to your site etc.
    Hope to hear from you! Shirley - in S.Africa.

  12. Sorry - should have said, testimony section under Cancer-Testimonies in menu. :-)