Monday, December 6, 2010

He was, He is, He always will be

I have to say that (what's in the subject line) because only God is certain, only God is stable, only God is unmoving. And I need that right now. I may sound repetitious because I mentioned this in my post below, but it's a mantra I've been chanting quite often this last week. I've been so sick. They said this round of chemo would be "light." HA! What a joke! The "harsh" chemo was the one that was "light." I went home last Thursday, and only now (Monday) do I have even a little bit of energy to write this post.

This picture depicts perfectly how I feel. I realize the boy is holding the hammer that pierced Jesus, but just the look of him is exactly how I feel.

It got so bad on Saturday, they had me come into the hospital to check my blood. So, instead of my hubby hanging up Christmas lights on the house with the kids, he and I were left sitting in a waiting room for four hours, only to learn later that the nurse went home and forgot about me! After hunting them down, another nurse came (clearly embarrassed), said my blood levels were fine, and I was just short on potassium, so she gave me two horse pills. Needless to say, I was so UPSET on top of feeling miserable! I wanted Saturday to be a nice day for my kids, and this ruined it. But after talking to my mom, she reminded me it's not going to do any good to get upset. So . . . we cancelled some things on Sunday and Karsten (my hubby) hung lights on the house with the kids and decorated the porch, and I'm happy.

As miserable as I feel, I can understand why patients get nasty. I could have gotten nasty on Saturday. I certainly felt like it. But I reigned it all in and slapped a smile on my face, not wanting to be difficult. But I'm still angry. I can understand that nursing is just a job, where you punch in your hours on the time-clock and go home. But when you're a nurse, helping dying, sick people, how can you afford to be careless? How can you forget someone who's suffering? Why can't we take this type of job as seriously as if they were in the army? I mean, think about all the protocol that has to be met before one can move forward to the next "project." Think of how perfectly a bed has to be made, how perfectly the shoes have to be polished, how perfectly pressed the uniform has to be. Boy, if it's not perfect, there's trouble. Why can't a nurse have a check-list that they have to run through to make sure they saw all the patients they were supposed to see before they LEAVE the building? And this was the head nurse, the one in charge, the "big boss" so to speak! Whatever you call them. I'm not familiar with the terminology.

I understand nurses are busy, and probably even short-staffed. Who knows. But if you're going to have this type of a job, please take it seriously. Please don't forget us sick people who would much rather be home (like you) spending quality time with their family.

One nurse came in to my room the other day last week (these are all young girls, early to late twenties): she had been wondering when she was gonna get her lunch break. It was going on 2 pm. Well, I don't blame her! By the time she did take her lunch, she pranced into my room later, saying, "I can't believe my life." Apparently, she had to cut into her lunch break to help a patient who was having an emergency. I asked her, "Oh, is he all right?" She stopped and hesitated, then proceeded to tell me that the patient was doing a little better now. sigh

Hmm, missing lunch over feeling like you just might literally DIE, which is worse? Forgive the sarcasm. I hold nothing against this sweet nurse. She was wonderful. I just feel like something is "wrong" or "off" about all this. Please don't misunderstand. I know I'm at the best hospital there is for treating this type of cancer. I'm just sad that we can't do a better job at these things.

Anyway, I hope to post something more pleasant in the upcoming days. All I know is right now, I can't seem to get on top of this latest chemo trip. My sis keeps telling me about Medicinal Marjowana (see, I don't even know how to spell the word. This is so NOT ME). I used to roll my eyes. But now I'm wondering if it might be worth looking in to. All I can wonder is how long I'm going to have to feel so miserable.

I know, I know. One day at a time. One day at a time.

It gives me hope to talk to other cancer survivors who are living normal lives. Makes me believe my life will one day be normal.


  1. Ah, sweet one. You've been given quite the challenge. Got a little teary reading this. I know it is SO hard. I'm glad Jesus has you in His arms. I know that's the only way we survive these things. You are in my heart and prayers.

  2. Sandi, it's okay to vent/rant. Perspective shifts when fighting for your life (rather than your lunch break or clock out time). You form a whole new definition of what's important and what's trivial. I don't know cancer. Haven't had to fight that, but I do know chronic pain and seemingly never-ending medical sagas (injuries in my case). It gets old. My heart is breaking for you. You are in my prayers. I remember when you came to me a year or so ago when I was miserable with debilitating headaches. You encouraged me. Let me know how I can now encourage you.

  3. Yeah, I don't know cancer personally, either, but I know about never ending infection and how it wears you out. You're entitled to grumble and you were kind and didn't do it at them or even name them here. Venting is normal and even healthy. I continue to pray for you, dear friend!

  4. Aw sweetie. I understand - not personally, thank God, but from my son who has been in and out several times in 3.5 years. Fortunately, we've been very blessed in the respect you're talking about but I've had a few nurses I wanted to go a few rounds with - like the one who 'eh whatevered' when he stopped breathing AGAIN even though it was just for a few seconds.

    I've been following on the Loop/Prayer Loop for the last month or so. You are in my prayers daily - and in my reading too at the moment ;). I am truly enjoying The Master's Wall and have already recommended it to several others. Paula's post on the Prayer Loop led me to seek you out today.

    Your Kutless quote up there is my theme song - I know I feel like I have it rough, but I am amazed at what I've seen from you.

    You continue to be in my prayers.


  5. You need to let that nurse's boss know what happened. Whether it's a doctor, the nursing supervisor, whoever. That is inexcusable, against policy and is grounds for discipline at many clinics and hospitals.

  6. Precious Sandi,
    Soooo thankful HE is with you as you walk through this horrific storm. Wish my nurse/Son were there instead. He loves & prays for his patients, but Christ in a heart always makes the difference. Doesn't He? We're all with you in thoughts, prayers and lots of hugs!

  7. I would complain also. They left me in an exam room at my doctors for 1.5 hours. I went and asked what had happened, had he forgotten me. Then I learned he had been on an emergency. I asked the nurse why she didn't inform the patients before now. She said, I hadn't thought of it. She went right then and told all of them he would be late. I get a lot of attention now.

  8. I read a lot of books on surviving cancer, and even wrote an article on the emotional toll of my cancer experience. As miserable as the physical effects are, the emotional ones can be the most trying and often that's the aspect that gets forgotten. I was so overwhelmed by the diagnosis that my mind went into neutral then and during much of my treatment. My husband was wonderful about piloting me to and from and through everything. Sometimes God carries us; sometimes he provides caring people to do so. Either way, I felt his presence and eventually made it through the mire to solid ground. I pray you'll encounter more of the caring, thoughtful people than the thoughtless ones during your treatment, and you'll continue to feel God's love upholding you.

  9. Sandi, just dropping by to say that I'm praying for you and your family everyday! Just like that picture portrays, you keep leaning back into the arms of Jesus!! He's strong enough to hold you up through all of this.
    Love you, girl!! MaryLu

  10. Sweet Sandi, I'm praying for you even now. Dear Lord, please hold your suffering servant close to your heart where she can feel your arms around her and perhaps hear your prayers to the Father on her behalf. Keep your jar close to catch her tears which You treasure. Cecily