Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A very difficult update to write.

I cry when I go to bed, and I cry when I wake up. You see, my stepdad has been diagnosed with T-cell Lymphoma, the same type of cancer I have, only it’s thankfully not in his blood. But he’s been undergoing chemo therapy for several months now. Then a precious sister from our home congregation was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just a few months ago. Her youngest is the same age as my oldest (18). The mother, Meg, died on Saturday night, and and she’s leaving behind three kids, the oldest just graduated from college, and the middle is serving in the military. Her poor husband is now alone during this time that he and his wife should be experiencing that “empty nest” feeling and celebrating each other. I’m just heart broken! This is such an encouraging family. Meg was ready to go. She doesn’t want anyone wearing black to her funeral, which is this Thursday evening. Meg has the right attitude because it’s not about this life. She was ready to be with her Lord and Savior.

But I don’t have the right attitude. I’m so upset about Meg’s loss! Okay, it’s not her loss, but OUR loss. I’m upset that God would see fit to take this godly woman from our lives at this time. At a time where she’s going to miss her oldest son’s wedding, at a time where she’ll never meet her future grandchildren or be here for her family in ways we mother’s dream of being here. I’m so sad and hurting for her family, I can hardly write this post.

In the past year we’ve lost approximately eight people to cancer and other diseases in our home congregation. The congregation I belonged to just nine months ago, is not the same place. So many loved ones are missing. Yes, I know they’re in better places, but all I can think about are those left behind. I’m hurt and I’m angry.

I even feel guilty for surviving. I shared that with my husband and he told me to cuddle on the couch with my two youngest (ages four and eleven), and after that, the guilt went away. So, while I know God knows what’s best in every situation, I’m still upset and wailing that my sister Meg Stewart is gone.

As for me, my liver enzymes have doubled. They say it's nothing to worry about. Either they think it's the drugs I'm on or I'm suffering from graft vs. host disease. They don't know yet. I've been getting stronger. Went to church for the first time last Sunday, so I'm just taking one day at a time.

Please pray for Meg's family.

Love you all.


  1. Hi Sandi, So glad you're improving. It'll be a great day when you can visit our writer's group again. I''l be praying for Meg's family, and for you, too.

  2. Hugs! I wish I had some magic words to make it all better. Since I don't, I'll just say I care and will be praying for you and Meg's family!

  3. None of this will make sense until we see Him, and then He'll wipe away our tears. I'm so sorry for our loss of youre wonderful friend, Meg. She's just one more of the beautiful people I have to look forward to---for when I go Home.

    Hold your kids and husband close Sandi. I can only thank God that we still have you here.

  4. So sad. I'm sorry for the losses and difficulties of your loved ones, Sandi. But I'm grateful that you're healing. Remember, God was not surprised by all this. Trust. Guard your heart and your mind. Heal. I'm praying for you!

  5. Still praying for you, Sandi. So glad to hear you were able to make it to church.

  6. I love you soo much sister. Hurting with you for the loss of your friend and walking with you arm in arm towards full, restorative health. Hold on to hope. Though we don't understand why we have to say goodbye, God tells us not to lean on our own understanding, but to acknowledge Him in all our ways. Praying for you. Love you!

  7. I am so sorry. Life so often does not make sense. Bad people prosper and the good die young yet God is here with us- having suffered worse for us and in our stead. I feel guilty sometimes too- having so much when others have so little, being in good health while dear ones like you suffer through illness and pain. Now the loss of your dear friend. I weep with you Sandi, It's Friday (Christ lay in the tomb) BUT Sunday is coming! May Meg's family sense God's comforting peace that passes all understanding.

  8. Sandi, it's okay to be angry. It's okay to just be downright MAD! God sees your heart, and He knows exactly what's happening in your life and the life of your church. Sometimes it's hard to let go of what WE think should be happening. Shake your fist at God! He'll grab it, and kiss it, and draw it close to His bosom and He'll say something like, "I know the plans I have for you [and you don't]. Plans to prosper you [not to make you sick or sad], and not to harm you [or your loved ones], but to give you hope [YES!!!] and a future [ah, sweet, sweet heaven or wellness right here on earth]. Trust. Him.

  9. I'm sorry you are hurting, Sandy. We don't hear from you much, but I understand. Just get well.

    love Charl
    South Africa IFW

  10. I'm so sorry, Sweetie!!! In situations like that, I just have to tell myself that I can't see the future. I don't know why God let this happen, but I have to believe that He knew what he was doing and that everything will work out. There are a million good things He can bring about from a tragedy like that. We may never understand or know what they were, but rest assured that God is faithful, He IS compassionate and loving and merciful, and He will make it all turn out right. God is faithful. Even when you don't understand, just believe. There are worse things than death, if you're a Christian.

    Love you, Sandi! I'm praying for you, and I will pray for your friend Meg's family. Hugs for you, sweet friend.

  11. Sometimes life just sucks, doesn't it Sandi? Come, Lord Jesus!!

  12. What a painful time for you, Sandi. Moses, Elijah, Jeremiah, and David all experienced anger and confusion that they took directly to God. Wailing and mourning the loss of people you love is healthy and will pass. Wail all you need to, Sandi.

    I am glad to hear that you are doing better. Those increasing numbers sound stressful. I'm glad that the doctors are monitoring it.

    How wonderful that your husband had good counsel on how to minister to your survivor guilt.