Truth is, I was looking forward to heaven . . .

The following isn't easy to share, and it may not be easy to read, but I have to be honest. There’s always a lesson to be learned in life, and this was a powerful one for me.

Not sure how many read my Facebook, but there was a time I wrote: “Even if I wanted to die, you guys aren’t going to let me!” It was true. When the announcement of my cancer came out, prayer warriors sprang up from out of nowhere, and I knew I wasn’t going to have my way!

You see, when I found out I had a tumor on or near my brain, all I could think of was FINALLY I can be done with this life! I was exhausted (from already fighting MS and the many crises I had to face). My life has been hard. I know, I know. I think most of us can say that. Some of you are probably familiar with my story of wanting to die at age five after getting a beating from my dad. I couldn’t wait to grow up to get out of the abuse and start running my own life, make my own choices. But I soon came to learn that you don’t always reap what you sow (not on earth anyway; it’s all waiting for us in heaven; Hebrews 4 talks about the believer's rest).

Well, I longed for that REST.

Anyway, while I was sitting in the hospital and the doc told me that I had a good chance to “fight this thing,” my family cheered all around me (I had my mother, a couple aunts and my grandma there with me). But while they were cheering, . . .

I got ANGRY.

Heck, I was prepared to leave on a GRAND TRIP, something a million times better than going to Hawaii! I was going to HEAVEN to finally be with my Lord and Savior!

I’ve already written posts on this blog about what I think it’d be like to meet Him. But my doctor’s words made all those dreams of FREEDOM come to a screeching halt.

Now I had to FIGHT AGAIN?! I didn’t want to fight anymore! I was done FIGHTING! Please God, just let me DIE already, will ya? I was EXHAUSTED from the trials of this life.

Yes, that was my thinking. I've been fighting my entire life, and I just wanted to be DONE.

I won’t name all the trials and heartache and crises’s I’d faced up until that point. Let’s just say, MS was taking its final toll. It was the icing on the cake, so-to-speak. And considering everything I'd already been through, none of my family were surprised I "caught" MS. They say stress causes disease. Well, it's true.

At the time of my cancer announcement, I had a loving husband and four children who needed me. But I saw absolutely no value in myself. I figured, my mother-in-law would do a better job raising my kids than I would, so I could die and let her do it! And my hubby could easily remarry. Truth is, I was ready to throw in the towel.

But God had other plans.

Many of you realize my diagnosis came on the very day my first book, THE MASTER'S WALL, released. I didn’t even get to have the pleasure of fully enjoying that success, the type of success every writer dreams of experiencing. To me, it was just another disappointment that I would live with (or not) . . . story of my life. I wasn’t going to be allowed to reap what I sowed. Nothing new with me.

But . . . it was a blessing. Bittersweet, I might add. One of the greatest successes of my career was shared on a day I was told I might not have long to live. God managed to soften that blow. Interesting. Still, I was making my plans. I was going on a trip, a heavenly trip! Whooo, hooo! People on earth could enjoy my book (I’d just finished the second one), so my kids would have that part of me. I’d accomplished all my goals.

Or had I?

As the weeks of chemo went by, thoughts started penetrating my mind . . . .

Who would be able to sing to my kids the way that only their mother could? Who would prance in to Chelsea’s room in the morning (when Mom was feeling like herself and not like MS had her in its
grip), and sing to her and kiss her ALL OVER until she giggled uncontrollably? Who would teach my kids to laugh at life and their mistakes? Who would teach my son that God planned for him to grow bigger than his sisters so he can protect them, and protect those weaker than himself? Who would listen to Whitney talk without end, knowing she would need to be heard, to cover every microscopic detail, because she's a talker like her mother? Who would know to watch Kirsten closely because she's so quiet. And who would know when she got too quiet? Who would know when to reach out to her to find out what's going on and help her through it? Who would teach them the importance of loving God and keeping their faith? Who would tell them what it's like to love God as much as their mother loves Him? Who would love them as deeply as only a mother can? Yes, they have a father to do these things, but there are things only a mother can give. 

As I watch my mother-in-law (who is a WONDERFUL woman, by the way; Did you know she came all the way from Holland to help us out? She’s a HUGE blessing!), I realize she can teach my kids some wonderful things, things that I fall short in, but she can’t be to them what I can be, what only a mother can be.

Hmm . . . maybe I am of value?

Then I looked at my husband, he tells me all kinds of things about why he needs me and why he would never want to remarry if he lost me, but it wasn’t until the day he kissed me on my bald head (when he had to help me bathe), that I realized just how much this dear man DOES LOVE ME! That I, despite no longer (in my opinion, because he tells me I’m beautiful all the time) having any outside beauty, could inspire a man to feel such a deep passionate love that he would kiss me on my BALD head . . . all I know is, I broke down in tears when he did that. And he didn’t think twice about kissing me there.

After that, I kept getting more prayers, and GIFTS, TONS of gifts, even from people I didn’t know! My ENTIRE FAMILY got gifts! And I found out my writing and Christian friends were promoting my book in ways that it never would have gotten promoted had I remained healthy (or as healthy as one could be with MS). Honestly, the pouring in of help and gifts has been utterly mindboggling. None of us (including my MIL) has ever seen anything like it. Ever!

Who were these gifts and help really from?

GOD.

God worked through all of you to show me His LOVE, love I so desperately needed to see, to FEEL! Why I don’t feel valuable is another story, one I won't get in to here.

Hubby keeps saying, “God must really love you! Look at everything He’s doing for you during this time!” My MIL (mother-in-law) has stood before us more than once with her mouth hanging open at the outpouring of love surrounding us and TEARS in her eyes. We’ve all shed tears over it!

It was as if God was shouting in my face, “YOU ARE LOVED!!!! YOU ARE VALUED!!!” And He’s continuing to SHOUT! He has put my book in magazines, newsletters, church announcements . . . in more places than I ever imagined it would get noticed. Not only that—SO MANY, a COUNTLESS MANY are PRAYING FOR ME. And so many of these people have never even MET ME! God has swooped in with all his prayer warriors, telling me He loves me.

“SANDI!” I hear God shouting because I tend to be deaf. “You are loved!”

One dear friend recently told me to ask what God thinks of me. Ask Him what he thinks, and listen to his still, soft voice.

He’s flooding me with His answer, bending my trunk over with His mighty wind, tossing His waves over me and pressing against me with such mighty passion, He can’t be ignored. I can no longer believe that I am unworthy.

So, on the day of my fortieth birthday, just before I blew out all those candles, I was surrounded by my giggling kids, my smiling husband, and my happy mother-in-law (this was after spending all night in the ER), and when I saw the joy on their faces to have me home, especially those of my kids and husband . . .

I knew I WANTED TO LIVE.

So, just before I blew out those candles, I made my wish, only it was a prayer to my God, and . . .

For the first time, I really asked Him to please, please LET ME LIVE.

I’m sorry to disappoint or discourage with my feelings of not wanting to be here, but even Paul wanted to be with the Lord when he knew he was still needed on this earth. I also had to be honest with all of you. It's not that I was wanting to commit suicide or anything like that. I simply saw cancer as a way out. It’s been a rough road. I wanted to escape the pain of this world. But God has shown me the blessings, has taught me how to count them, to SEE THEM. He is my TRUE FATHER.

So, now I’m fighting (again, sigh, lol), and it’s only through His strength that I’m able to do it. It’s all up to Him. I now have the WILL, but only He has the POWER. And no matter what happens in the end, whether I live or die (it's God's decision), He WAS, HE IS, and ALWAYS WILL BE my GOD, MY SAVIOR, and my LIVING LORD . . . the God and Master of ALL.

It's interesting. As tired as I was of fighting, I suddenly find . . . I have the STRENGTH.

Dear Father God, forgive me for allowing the world to wear me down. Help me to now focus on YOU, on Your light, on YOUR STRENGTH.

And please dear Lord, I beg You . . . LET ME LIVE.

***You know how I love to share songs. Well, I want to share one sung by some friends of mine. It's a song that really speaks to my heart, and it was written by Veronique Dijkstra-Hofman. Believe it or not, it's called LET ME LIVE, and it's taken from the end of Psalms 119. I really think you'll like it! They were kind enough to put it on YouTube just so I could share it with this post.

Here's the LINK to the song.

And here's the LINK to their site.

You can buy their singles even if you live in the U.S. (1 U.S. dollar = 0.7 Euros)