I'M A MESS

Ever since SURVIVING cancer, I can't seem to get myself in order. The collateral for my new publishing company fell through, and honestly, I'm fine with that. I prayed and asked God to open and close the doors. He clearly closed that one. So, I'm simply going to save what I can to publish one of my own stories and let one of my books be the guinea pig before I branch out with other people's books. But that means . . . I have to write. Me. No one else. It's all up to me to be the one to WRITE.

I've been so disillusioned because I haven't been able to write! There are so many reasons why.

Chemo/radiation did something to my brain. I remember it happening, how I couldn't think as sharply, suffering from forgetfulness and making the stupidest mistakes in spelling, it's really laughable. Back in January when I took on homeschooling, I approved of my daughter's spelling of "doll" as "DALL," until my son noticed it and made the correction. I mean . . . who does that? Of course, that was months ago, way back in January, and I've "learned" how to spell "doll" since then, LOL, but that's the kind of stuff I was facing. Actually, homeschooling has been a good "brain gym" exercise for me, and I can feel myself resharpening those "brainwave" connections.

I was also hoping to get my third book back from my publisher. They won't release the contract, and so I said I'd never write it. Not as a punishment, but just because it wasn't worth it financially. Ya know? It's A LOT of work writing a novel, especially one that long and that full of emotion and strife. But then, I keep getting this nudge from God about how my "yes should be yes, and my no should be no." After all, I DID sign a contract. I feel like I'm such a horrible person. My publisher helped me when I was sick, they stuck out their necks for me during that time, and prayed for me. And here I am begging to have my book back. Of course, it was all related to finances. But you know . . . I need to LET GO of my focus on MONEY. It truly is the root of all evil.

When I was dying, God provided for us in many "portions and in many ways." It's pretty foolish not to lean on Him now. Not to trust in Him after everything He's done for me. He CURED ME of cancer! What a fool I'd be NOT to TRUST Him now. I mean, really!

So . . . if DeWard will still have me, I WILL one day write that third book. I've got the story in my head. It needs to come out. But I just need to ask all of you for your understanding. For your patience. As I am not the same "Sandi" I used to be, and I'm still trying to figure "me" out, and I pray you'll forgive me when I make those foolish, perhaps "unfeeling" mistakes, as I'm trying to find this new path God has set me on. The only way that third book is going to be any good is if I "practice" a bit and warm up some by writing other things.

I'm working on a light story right now, and for the first time since before cancer, I've actually written two full chapters! For most writers of novels, that's not much, but for me, it's HUGE! It's GINORMOUS! I can also tell it's good for my "brain." So few understand what I've been going through. Just because the cancer is gone, doesn't mean the side-effects from all that poison put into me is gone. I'm constantly faced with remnants of it on a daily basis.

Focusing my time, my MIND, on my kids has been thee BEST thing I could have done. Teaching them, and giving them my ALL . . . I can't go wrong there. Ya know? Now, I'm comfortable enough to branch out a tiny bit more.

So, I'm asking for your prayers. You see, the other reason I couldn't write is because it became my idol. It was ALL I did. I neglected giving my kids the time and attention they deserved and needed when I was writing. I DON'T WANT to become that person again. I pray constantly that I won't, and right now, it's NOT a temptation. I'm not as OBSESSED as I used to be about writing. I enjoy it, but I don't NEED it. I'm not living, breathing, eating it. If that makes any sense. So now you know. That's my confession, and my sin. Despite that, I think God is slowly giving this gift back to me, little by little, in slow increments. And I'm happy to go slow, happy to move in three speeds: slow, slower, and slowest when it comes to writing. I don't ever want it to take over my family and my life like it did in the past.

Well, that's all I have to say. Time for bed, and I pray those people I've disappointed and have hurt will have the heart to forgive me. So many had done things for me while I was sick, and I was too sick and oblivious to realize just "how much" they did, and I know I've hurt some people's feelings by not expressing enough gratitude for what they did do. On top of that, I can't keep up on all the good that was done for me. I can't keep up with all the thanks I owe to so many! Please know, I'm grateful! I'm thankful! But most of all, I'm thankful to my Holy Father because HE'S the one who brought me all these wonderful gifts through all of you. Thank you for being willing to let Him use you as His instrument. I pray He blesses you for blessing me.