Thursday, June 9, 2011

God Feels So Far Away...

It's really impressive that I can write this blog post because I really can't do much of anything else. My concentration is limited, etc. Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors.

So, I'm still in the hospital, and right after the transplant I got horrible sores in my mouth that ran through my entire GI tract. It was bad. I still have some sores, but it's not nearly as bad. Still, during all that time, the agonizing pain, the inability to do anything "normal," really made me feel ALONE. All my prayers consisted of (and still do to a point), "God, please help me. Help." And though I felt alone, I knew I wasn't. I knew God was here, whether I felt His presence or not. It's important that I don't base my faith on my feelings because when I do, that's when Satan gets a foothold in my life. Imagine the misery I would have felt had I given in to those feelings and BELIEVED that God wasn't near. I can't believe that, though. Ever. And Satan isn't going to make me believe it. Here's why.

In Acts 17:27b-28a Paul is talking to the Athenians and says, "He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist..."

He is aware of every breath I take. EVERY BREATH.

We can read more about God's all consuming presence in Psalms 139:7-16.

Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night," Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.

I think the amazingness of that passage speaks for itself.

So, my FEELINGS say God is far away, but GOD SAYS, HE'S RIGHT HERE! I decided I'll listen to my God and not my emotions.

Also, when I look at things around me, God has constantly made sure I am not alone. I've had someone here with me day and night during my ENTIRE hospital stay! You know God shows His love for us through others, and He's done a marvelous job at showing me I'm NOT alone. How hurtful to God then for me to say, He feels so far away. I'm sure Satan is having a great time with that one. sigh I'm sorry, Father. I love You SO MUCH!!! xxx

Speaking of loving God, think of how RUDE it is when we chose to love Him only when things are going well in our lives. I mean, really. He never promised us a rose garden. What does He "owe" us anyway? Absolutely NOTHING. It's us who owe Him EVERYTHING. After all, He's the one who gave us life. Who formed us in our mother's wombs. Who preordained our days. And then we chose sin over Him.

The fact that He's already numbered my days should also help me not to worry! Since He's in charge, who am I to worry about when I might not make it, or when something bad happens? See, there's a chance I could get a bad case of "graft vs. host" disease. I need enough for the new cells to fight off the cancer, but not too much to where it starts fighting off my major organs, etc. So, I'd really appreciate your prayers for a positive outcome.

Anyway, this knowledge that I'm in God's care really makes me want to praise my Lord and Savior. And I've found that during that miserable time in my life, praising Him is really the only thing that gives me any peace. I think it's because He's unchanging. He's the only constant, the only thing in this life that I can truly count on, depend on, lean on. Now I understand why the first thing Job did when he lost all his family and everything was to fall on his knees and praise God.

God is GREAT. God is GOOD. Thank You my Heavenly Father. Praise You!!! xxx Oh, how I wish I could KISS HIM. Lean back in His strong arms, and let Him carry me. Hmm. I can do some of that now. I'm leaning back in His strong, comforting arms. As much as I hate it in this hospital where there's no sleep, very little positive, I am in my Father's arms. Just reread those verses above. If He's that CLOSE, then He's holding me, and I can feel His breath against my cheek where He's bending over to kiss me. Just think of the greatest, most loving father you know, and realize, God is a GAZILLION times BETTER! How wonderful to have God as my Father, as my Abba, as my Daddy. I'm His little girl. I've always been a daddy's girl. Well, I'm thrilled to be HIS.

Now, allow me to share a HUGE blessing God gave me while I've been stuck in this hospital. I really hope the link works because I'm unable to access YouTube from the hospital. The following was a gift from my daughter, Kirsten (14 years old; eighth grade). She dedicated a song to me during her school talent show. Makes me cry every time I watch it. I hope it touches all of you as well. You can't see the audience, but she got a standing ovation. This song is called Blessings by Laura Story.