Okay, now that I want to LIVE, Satan is using it against me! Because I really don't want to die, now I'm scared to death that I will! UGH! Honestly, it was so much easier when I didn't care. sigh All I can think of are my children and how they need me and how I WANT TO BE HERE FOR THEM!
I'm really ticked off that I feel this way (which might be a good thing; maybe it'll give me the strength I need to fight it). I had a panic attack during my last hospital stay--that's when I almost bled to death. I was fine and not really scared until the docs let me know how scared they were. That's when I realized the seriousness of the situation. My husband told me I had to get seven units of blood, and the docs were really shaken up. Well, now I'm freaked out! They didn't smile when I said if I can get through this, I can get through the bone marrow transplant, and that was the last straw. I was washing my hands, which I've done a million times, and when I looked in the mirror and saw my bald self staring back at me, I asked, "Who is that woman in the mirror?" The person staring back at me was not "Sandi." It was not the woman and girl I've always known. It was a bald creature who didn't even look female. It was an alien. My eyebrows are gone and so are my eyelashes, not to mention my hair. Even though I've seen myself a gazillion times like this (I mean, I KNOW what I look like), I just freaked out all of a sudden. It's the first time I've felt "unstable" inside, like I might flip out or something. So, I sat on my bed and prayed. I grabbed my Bible, but only turned to passages about Jerusalem being destroyed, and it really wasn't
helpful. sigh All I know is, now I'm SCARED.
I wish I could just step out of my body to let them fix me, then when they're done, I'll get back in. If only it could be so easy! I've already heard that there are a lot of things that can go wrong during the transplant process. It's really going to be like another chemo run, where I'm hooked up to an IV for days. Then when all my own bone marrow is "dead," or as the doc says, "flattened," they'll put the new cells/bone marrow in me from the donor. There are chances my body will reject them, etc. They said, I could end up in ICU during any step of this, especially because I won't have an immune system. All kinds of things could go wrong. ARG! I don't want to think of everything that could go wrong. It scares me! I don't like being scared.
I asked God to help me!!! Give me a verse! Take away my fear!
Well, recently I got this card. It had Isaiah 41:10:
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isn't that the most awesome verse?! This is GOD speaking! He's telling me NOT to be afraid because He's WITH ME. He's telling me not to be dismayed (boy have I been!) because HE IS MY GOD. Remember in my last post how I said in my prayer, HE's in charge! Well, I need to remember that because Satan so wants me to believe he's the one in charge, sigh. Then God goes on to say that He WILL STRENGTHEN ME!!! I so NEED His strength right now! I've said so often how I can only get through this with His strength because I really don't have it on my own.
. . . And He will HELP ME. What a comfort that is! How comforting it is to be completely helpless and stranded and to have a hero come along and rescue me. God is my hero. He's the ultimate hero. I love writing about heroes in my stories, but God is the most handsome, the most gentle, and the most powerful. He doesn't even have to flex to show off his muscles. :-) Think about it. He invented the things. How much more perfect are HIS?! LOL Yes, I know. It's a bit strange talking about God's "muscles." Just try to think of it not only in a physical sense, but in a spiritual sense as well. What did we grow up singing in the song Jesus Loves Me? "I am weak, but He is strong." And with that thought in mind, let's read the last part of the verse again: "I will uphold you in my righteous HAND." Tears are in my eyes because I'm only just now recalling what I wrote in my last post about His hands! I asked Jesus to hold me in His precious hands, the hands I want to kiss, to hold on to and never let go! Aaaahhhh. Yes, I have a thing about hands. Especially those of my heavenly Father.
The key is I need to FOCUS, DWELL on this verse. You know how it says to do that in Phil. 4:8, to DWELL or MEDITATE on ALL that's positive. That's what I need to do with this verse. I'm going to print it out and pin it up on the wall of my hospital room when I go in for the transplant. You know I'll be stuck, stranded, TRAPPED in the hospital during that time for at least a month! sigh I'll deal with that one later.
One thing at a time, right? Right now, I need to conquer this stinkin' fear.
Oh, and remember, I found that verse from one of the many cards I've gotten! Your cards don't go unread and are hugely appreciated and are a wonderful blessing! God used you to give me the tools I need to get through this.