THE LORD'S LADY

So . . . despite being such a mess, here's something I've come up with that I realized I should share with all of you.

In my quest to rediscover myself, I started this new blog titled THE LORD'S LADY. If you want to know what this blog is all about, how it got its title, etc. just click on the link above to learn more.

I was at first very excited about this endeavor, and one of my amazing writer friends, Roseanna White, designed the header for it. (I've had so much support from so many people, it's mind boggling!) Anyway, I've written a few posts for it, and maybe I'll share some of them here. But there's a part of me that thinks maybe I need to just stick to "teaching" the "word" in my novels. It comes more naturally to me that way. It's a more "personal" situation that way too. I'm also much better at one-on-one Bible studies, verses teaching to a multitude of women from several backgrounds, understanding and knowledge, I'm almost overwhelmed with how I can reach or touch so many lives on so many levels. Where does one start?

I'm learning, it's one thing to "know" something, but it's a completely different story when trying to "teach" or "explain" what you know or have learned to someone else. In many ways, it's just like writing a book. As writers, we've got to make sure we "show" the reader every aspect of a scene: setting, characters, emotion, etc. so they know where they're at, both physically and internally. But when imparting "knowledge" or "wisdom" (which I'm still a LONG WAYS in learning these things myself, so please realize I'm not thinking "I know better") it's different. In fact, I'm hoping we can learn from each other. There's so much I have to learn and discover. That's what The Lord's Lady is all about.

Either way, I've got a gazillion "ideas" for posts for this new blog, and I'll just see where it leads. At the moment, my favorite post is titled DON'T CLING TO PAPER NAILS if any of you would like to read it. And if you'd like to read the other posts, I'd be thrilled. Again, I really don't "know it all." I just LOVE talking about God's word and discovering His Truths and sharing His Truths.

As my seven-year-old daughter likes to say, "God is such a GOOD Person! He is so BIG and He's even bigger than our house! I just love Him, Mommy." Yes, those are her words. She has a lot to be grateful for since He allowed her mommy to stick around a bit longer. He's all she talks about.

I often thank God for letting me live. So often! When I get to witness conversations like the one above, when I get to teach my son a new lesson about life, when I get to sit and read a story to my youngest, when I get to run my two older daughters from school to work, I thank God that He let me live! During this process, however, I also recall the story of Hezekiah in the Bible and how he was sick, but God gave him sixteen more years, and during those sixteen years, he completely blew it and pretty much handed God's people over to the enemy. Anyway, when I thank God for letting me live, I also ask him to help me NOT be like Hezekiah. Gulp! I really don't trust myself. After all, if Hezekiah can blow it, not to mention David, Solomon, ETC, (and these folks had close communication with God!), how much better could I possibly do? So, yeah. I pray that as well.

Okay . . .

Sometimes I feel like there's so much in my head that I have to get it all OUT. So, I guess my braincells aren't completely fried. Right?

Enough rambling. I hope you like THE LORD'S LADY.

I'M A MESS

Ever since SURVIVING cancer, I can't seem to get myself in order. The collateral for my new publishing company fell through, and honestly, I'm fine with that. I prayed and asked God to open and close the doors. He clearly closed that one. So, I'm simply going to save what I can to publish one of my own stories and let one of my books be the guinea pig before I branch out with other people's books. But that means . . . I have to write. Me. No one else. It's all up to me to be the one to WRITE.

I've been so disillusioned because I haven't been able to write! There are so many reasons why.

Chemo/radiation did something to my brain. I remember it happening, how I couldn't think as sharply, suffering from forgetfulness and making the stupidest mistakes in spelling, it's really laughable. Back in January when I took on homeschooling, I approved of my daughter's spelling of "doll" as "DALL," until my son noticed it and made the correction. I mean . . . who does that? Of course, that was months ago, way back in January, and I've "learned" how to spell "doll" since then, LOL, but that's the kind of stuff I was facing. Actually, homeschooling has been a good "brain gym" exercise for me, and I can feel myself resharpening those "brainwave" connections.

I was also hoping to get my third book back from my publisher. They won't release the contract, and so I said I'd never write it. Not as a punishment, but just because it wasn't worth it financially. Ya know? It's A LOT of work writing a novel, especially one that long and that full of emotion and strife. But then, I keep getting this nudge from God about how my "yes should be yes, and my no should be no." After all, I DID sign a contract. I feel like I'm such a horrible person. My publisher helped me when I was sick, they stuck out their necks for me during that time, and prayed for me. And here I am begging to have my book back. Of course, it was all related to finances. But you know . . . I need to LET GO of my focus on MONEY. It truly is the root of all evil.

When I was dying, God provided for us in many "portions and in many ways." It's pretty foolish not to lean on Him now. Not to trust in Him after everything He's done for me. He CURED ME of cancer! What a fool I'd be NOT to TRUST Him now. I mean, really!

So . . . if DeWard will still have me, I WILL one day write that third book. I've got the story in my head. It needs to come out. But I just need to ask all of you for your understanding. For your patience. As I am not the same "Sandi" I used to be, and I'm still trying to figure "me" out, and I pray you'll forgive me when I make those foolish, perhaps "unfeeling" mistakes, as I'm trying to find this new path God has set me on. The only way that third book is going to be any good is if I "practice" a bit and warm up some by writing other things.

I'm working on a light story right now, and for the first time since before cancer, I've actually written two full chapters! For most writers of novels, that's not much, but for me, it's HUGE! It's GINORMOUS! I can also tell it's good for my "brain." So few understand what I've been going through. Just because the cancer is gone, doesn't mean the side-effects from all that poison put into me is gone. I'm constantly faced with remnants of it on a daily basis.

Focusing my time, my MIND, on my kids has been thee BEST thing I could have done. Teaching them, and giving them my ALL . . . I can't go wrong there. Ya know? Now, I'm comfortable enough to branch out a tiny bit more.

So, I'm asking for your prayers. You see, the other reason I couldn't write is because it became my idol. It was ALL I did. I neglected giving my kids the time and attention they deserved and needed when I was writing. I DON'T WANT to become that person again. I pray constantly that I won't, and right now, it's NOT a temptation. I'm not as OBSESSED as I used to be about writing. I enjoy it, but I don't NEED it. I'm not living, breathing, eating it. If that makes any sense. So now you know. That's my confession, and my sin. Despite that, I think God is slowly giving this gift back to me, little by little, in slow increments. And I'm happy to go slow, happy to move in three speeds: slow, slower, and slowest when it comes to writing. I don't ever want it to take over my family and my life like it did in the past.

Well, that's all I have to say. Time for bed, and I pray those people I've disappointed and have hurt will have the heart to forgive me. So many had done things for me while I was sick, and I was too sick and oblivious to realize just "how much" they did, and I know I've hurt some people's feelings by not expressing enough gratitude for what they did do. On top of that, I can't keep up on all the good that was done for me. I can't keep up with all the thanks I owe to so many! Please know, I'm grateful! I'm thankful! But most of all, I'm thankful to my Holy Father because HE'S the one who brought me all these wonderful gifts through all of you. Thank you for being willing to let Him use you as His instrument. I pray He blesses you for blessing me.