“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

That’s what my friend said. I mean, after all, I was supposed to be cured of MS and cancer. Right? That was the plan. That’s why I ended up with this particular doc because he wrote the paper with the doc who uses this method to cure MS. It couldn’t be a coincidence, God must have brought us together. At least, that’s what I thought.

I don’t know a gentle way to put this, but my doc says the biopsy results on my spine show that I have cancer. The same stinkin’ cancer that was supposed to be wiped out. He said this was his worst fear because this type of cancer is “clever.” It knows how to hide and that’s what it did. The doc wiped out my entire immune system and I even have someone else’s cells and blood-type now, but the cancer managed to stick around. The doc is going to consult the entire oncology team tomorrow/Tuesday and decide what to do: chemo (a different brand, which will be outpatient) and/or radiation.

“YAY!!!”

Yes, I’m being sarcastic. sigh

The worst was telling my kids. My POOR KIDS. I won’t even tell you how that went. It’s too painful.

I asked the doc what my chances are, and he wouldn’t give me a percentage. He simply said something along the lines of, sometimes he beats the cancer, and sometimes he doesn’t. Something like that. Anyway . . . .

I’m still trusting in God. I told my kids to do the same. That this life is temporary, and really, Satan just wants our souls, and he’s trying to get to them through me. I told them they’re to remain faithful no matter what happens. If they’re mad at God for allowing this, that’s okay because God can handle our anger (He invented the emotion for crying out loud), just don’t sin. I told them to talk to God about their feelings because He knows and He understands. But don’t blame God. Satan is to blame for this. Just REMAIN FAITHFUL TO GOD period. I told them if I don’t make it through this, I want us to be reunited in Heaven—so they better remain faithful. I guess, I’m saying the same thing to all of you who read this.

I’ll do my BEST to FIGHT this, but I’m tired and I’m angry and I’m sick of fighting. I’m tired of asking for all of you to pray for me. I can imagine you all are probably sick of praying for me too. You’d think God would be sick of hearing from all of us and just give us what we want. Ya know? You’d think He’d push us out the door and kick us off His door step and say, “Fine! I’ll heal her, just leave Me alone! Quit ringing my doorbell!” You’d think we were more annoying than those telephone solicitors. They’re the worst, aren’t they?

Anyway, please keep praying for HEALING. My kids would really appreciate it. As would I and my husband.

When I say I trust in God, know that I mean I trust He knows what’s best for all of us spiritually (well, and physically, of course). He is my God and deserves my (our) praise.

He was, He is, and He always will be!

I praise You my Father, my Lord, my Master, my Daddy. I long to be held by You. To touch You, to breathe in Your Majesty. I LONG for it!

But I humbly ask that You will allow me to stay longer on this earth for my kids. You know how much I hate it here, so I don’t ask to stay for selfish reasons. Unless begging to be able to raise my kids and teach them to love You is selfish?

No matter what happens, I will praise You. (I imagine that’s a good kick in the face to Satan, right?)

Then . . .

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Thank You Jesus for dying on the cross for my sins. Thank You for all You’ve done for me. Thank You. Thank You for my precious children. Please take care of them, guard their souls, teach them to love You (preferably through me, e-hem). Please God? Please? . . . Please . . . .

I love You, Lord. I love You so much. Hold me close and don’t let go.

Keep the faith, everyone. Please keep the faith. Cling to the Lord. He loves you. He loves me. And He loves my kids.

Sandi

Now why do you delay?

Get up and be baptized,

and wash away your sins,

calling on His name (Acts 22:16).